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NVC Non-Violent Communication

Asking for what you need in an effective way.

By Marshall Rosenberg

Summary of the STEPS

1. Describe the situation objectively. Use non judgmental language. Give an accurate description of it without evaluation and judgment. What's going on?
2. Identify what feelings arise in the situation. What are you feeling? Often people don’t know what they are feeling. Learning the language of feelings is a skill.
3. State the feelings this way: I feel____________ because I “need”…We may be stumped to understand what we need in that moment. (Use the Daily check-in). State: "I have this feeling because I have this need…."
4. Make a request to the other person and ask them to help me. “Would you mind doing….” Don’t make a demand (they can still say “no”).

 This section is taken from the NVC website.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is sometimes referred to as compassionate communication. Its purpose is to:

1.  Create human connections that empower compassionate giving and receiving

2.  Create governmental and corporate structures that support compassionate giving and receiving.

NVC involves both communication skills that foster compassionate relating and consciousness of the interdependence of our well being and using power with others to work together to meet the needs of all concerned.

This approach to communication emphasizes compassion as the motivation for action rather than fear, guilt, shame, blame, coercion, threat or justification for punishment. In other words, it is about getting what you want for reasons you will not regret later. NVC is NOT about getting people to do what we want. It is about creating a quality of connection that gets everyone’s needs met through compassionate giving.

The process of NVC encourages us to focus on what we and others are observing separate from our interpretations and judgments, to connect our thoughts and feelings to underlying human needs/values (e.g. protection, support, love), and to be clear about what we would like towards meeting those needs.

These skills give the ability to translate from a language of criticism, blame, and demand into a language of human needs -- a language of life that consciously connects us to the universal qualities “alive in us” that sustain and enrich our well being, and focuses our attention on what actions we could take to manifest these qualities.

Nonviolent Communication skills will assist you in dealing with major blocks to communication such as demands, diagnoses and blaming. In CNVC trainings you will learn to express yourself honestly without attacking. This will help minimize the likelihood of facing defensive reactions in others. The skills will help you make clear requests. They will help you receive critical and hostile messages without taking them personally, giving in, or losing self-esteem. These skills are useful with family, friends, students, subordinates, supervisors, co-workers and clients, as well as with your own internal dialogues.

Nonviolent Communication Skills

The STEPS:

NVC offers practical, concrete skills for manifesting the purpose of creating connections of compassionate giving and receiving based in a consciousness of interdependence and power with others. These skills include:

1.   Differentiating observation from evaluation, being able to carefully observe what is happening free of evaluation, and to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us;

2.   Differentiating feeling from thinking, being able to identify and express internal feeling states in a way that does not imply judgment, criticism, or blame/punishment;

3.  Connecting with the universal human needs/values (e.g. sustenance, trust, understanding) in us that are being met or not met in relation to what is happening and how we are feeling; and

4.  Requesting what we would like in a way that clearly and specifically states what we do want (rather than what we don’t want), and that is truly a request and not a demand (i.e. attempting to motivate, however subtly, out of fear, guilt, shame, obligation, etc. rather than out of willingness and compassionate giving).

These skills emphasize personal responsibility for our actions and the choices we make when we respond to others, as well as how to contribute to relationships based in cooperation and collaboration.

With NVC we learn to hear our own deeper needs and those of others, and to identify and clearly articulate what “is alive in us”. When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, needed, and wanted, rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion. Through its emphasis on deep listening—to ourselves as well as others—NVC fosters respect, attentiveness and empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart. The form is simple, yet powerfully transformative.

Founded on consciousness, language, communication skills, and use of power that enable us to remain human, even under trying conditions, Nonviolent Communication contains nothing new: all that has been integrated into NVC has been known for centuries. The intent is to remind us about what we already know—about how we humans were meant to relate to one another—and to assist us in living in a way that concretely manifests this knowledge.

The use of NVC does not require that the persons with whom we are communicating be literate in NVC or even motivated to relate to us compassionately. If we stay with the principles of NVC, with the sole intention to give and receive compassionately, and do everything we can to let others know this is our only motive, they will join us in the process and eventually we will be able to respond compassionately to one another. While this may not happen quickly, it is our experience that compassion inevitably blossoms when we stay true to the principles and process of Nonviolent Communication.

NVC is a clear and effective model for communicating in a way that is cooperative conscious, and compassionate.

  Adapted from:
Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life
by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
Published by PuddleDancer Press, available from CNVC

 Additional Resources

Wikipedia article: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication

To explore feelings: http://www.cnvc.org/Training/feelings-inventory 

10 steps to peace: http://www.cnvc.org/Training/10-steps-peace

NVC model: http://www.cnvc.org/Training/the-nvc-model 

To purchase the book: http://www.amazon.com/Nonviolent-Communication-Language-Marshall-Rosenberg/dp/1892005034

YouTube videos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-dpk5Z7GIFs GREAT SUMMARIES!

Additional articles

• Do You Experience a RAIN of Feelings?
• Understand Your Brain Chemistry, Food Cravings and How it Influences Your Body Weight
• Emotional Eating
• Cultivate a Self-Affirming Inner Awareness
• Transform the Self-punishing Inner Voice
• What Does It Look Like When Things Are Going Well?
• Peace!
• Prescription for Well-Being!
• A Daily PLAN
• Imagine Your Ideal Day!

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